Critique of pure love

The post-modern striving to create conscientious and global citizens has resulted in a generation that is unsure of its own identity. Stripped of national pride, parochial values and family ties, modern man struggles to identify a purpose in life that is unique to himself, and that justifies his value as a unique individual.

Nature abhors a vacuum, however, and so a plethora of mind-numbingly virtuous causes has risen from the ashes of conservative values. The plight of the newly-declared misunderstood and underrated, has galvanised millions out of their hedonistic stupor and poster superhero infatuation. Thus the sins of the arrogant ages have garishly rematerialised to arouse the indignation of all decent thinking people.

And so we are left undecided. Would it be better to live in an age of chivalry, classical culture and spurious mores? Or is it better to embrace slavish freedom and autocratic salvation?

One love

Probably the most undiscussed assumption of the modern zeitgeist, is the belief that all love is one. Not only did the hippies promulgate the ideal of unfettered love, they also promulgated the idea that love is indivisible and universal. Mankind is united under this sublime spirit of goodness, all expressions of which are one. Because there is no difference between the electric love of an open-air rock concert and the sublime devotion of a sanctuary, love can serve as the universal solvent of man’s differences.

It is not altogether clear if this assumption is correct, however. Love is the power to give of the self, and the self is hard-earned and different for everyone. That is why the love that comes after a long period of striving and accomplishment, is an altogether deeper and sweeter love than the artless love of whimsy and desire. That is also why every culture has its own unique way of displaying love, and why every person within each culture has their own unique way of loving, each according to their inner-self and persona.

So instead of assuming only one love, it would seem more likely that there are instead infinite loves. One nation’s love is not the same as another’s, one man’s love is not the same as another’s, and the love of each day with its particular challenges, is not the same as the love of yesterday or tomorrow.

Local love

The interaction and fusing of two souls that we call intimacy, comes at the intersection of the distinct and unique loves that each has to give the other. The more different the loves, and the greater the distance from which the souls communicate, the greater the beauty and grace each bestows the other. In this way, the greatest oneness is born of the greatest separateness. Additionally, when strong opposites attract, the forces of attraction are localised between the attracted. However when weak opposites attract, the forces of attraction spread out and are diffused among the surroundings.

This is why the more we buy into the notion that all love is one, the weaker the bonds of love become. Relationships become increasingly ephemeral, because there is no difference who the lover is and who the beloved. Lovers become desperate for expensive shared experiences, since these experiences comprise the surrounding world’s ratification of their romance. And so the cottar’s gentle evening walk with his wife has been snuffed out by the psychedelic overture of modern loving.

Despite the hippies’ promise of love for all, we live in a world where true, enduring love has become increasingly rare, so that the banality of ubiquitous love has resulted in no love at all.

In conclusion

To find true, sincere love we must find character, and to find character we must find challenge. Once upon a time, challenge was provided by a parochial system. In order to profess to love, one had to first meet the challenges demanded from those who aspired to such an elevated calling.

For good or for bad, these prerequisites have gone the way of yesterday’s newspaper, and so we have to challenge ourselves to create our own trials. Perhaps it is not obvious that we do not need to refine our characters, force ourselves to live for others and work hard to find the meaningfulness in every fleeting moment and chance encounter.

There is no easy way to earn true selfhood. Maybe the most we can hope for is that if we are true to ourselves, we can be true to others, and others can be true to us. But being true requires a lifetime commitment of grit and hard work.

Problem solving and autonomy

Situation

You are faced with a real problem that is augmented by your imagination. Therefore you end up with a larger problem, which is part real and part imaginary.

The imaginary problem exacerbates the real problem, since you may discount possible solutions and make wrong decisions.

Approach

You can solve a real problem, but not an imaginary one. Therefore you have to determine which part of the problem is real and which part of the problem is imaginary.

How

Use the following problem solving technique:

1. Think about how to solve the problem, to the best of your ability.
2. Identify the most powerful person of whom you know, for example, the Queen or the Prime Minister.
3. Imagine explaining the problem to them, and them telling you how they would solve the problem.
4. Take the opposite approach suggested in Step #3, and add this to the solution from Step #1.
5. You now have the solution to the real part of your problem.

Why

The imaginary part of the problem is based on the feeling that you are in the power of other people. Therefore, when you imagine yourself asking a “powerful person” for the solution, the “powerful person” will “solve the problem” by asserting their power over the people whose power you are in.

Since you are not, in reality, in anyone’s power, the actual answer must lie in the opposite direction indicated by the “powerful person”. In other words, the real answer is to realise that you are not in anyone’s power, and then to address the actual problem.

Example

You are currently employed and you are offered a better job by your company’s competition. However, it is not clear if the business venture that the competition wants you for, will eventuate. Additionally, if the company that you currently work for finds out that you are considering a job offer by the competition, they will make life difficult for you.

Going through the above steps provides the following result:

• Your own best solution: Take the job offered by the competition and run the risk that it will not work out.
• Powerful person: The Queen
• The Queen’s solution: Tell the first company they have to employ you even if the venture with the second company does not work out.
• Take the opposite approach: The Queen suggested that you coerce your current employer into continuing your employment. The opposite of this suggestion is that you should remove yourself from the sphere of influence of your current employer. I.e. the competition should become the source of your income, regardless of whether the new job works out.

Adding this approach to the solution from Step 1 gives, “Take the job offered by the competition and do not run the risk that it will not work out.”

Practically speaking, this means that your new employer should guarantee your income regardless of whether the new job works out. For example, the company could escrow your income for one year with a third party. If the job works out, this money would become your salary. If not, you would receive the money anyway.

In summary

To progress in life, maintain your personal autonomy. This means, you are in no-one else’s power, and no-one else is in your power.

Let go of what you think is making you safe, and fly.

Emotional homeostasis

Every living thing must maintain a stable internal environment, so that it can survive and grow. This ability to self-regulate is called homeostasis, which the Encyclopaedia Britannica defines as follows:

Homeostasis, any self-regulating process by which biological systems tend to maintain stability while adjusting to conditions that are optimal for survival. If homeostasis is successful, life continues; if unsuccessful, disaster or death ensues. The stability attained is actually a dynamic equilibrium, in which continuous change occurs yet relatively uniform conditions prevail.

Whatever the external conditions, all living things must maintain a stable internal environment, for life to continue.

Just as a stable biochemical environment is vital to biological life, so is a stable emotional environment vital to our continued personal inner life. And just as a plant’s internal stability is actually a dynamic equilibrium, that is constantly adjusted to allow for changing external circumstances, so is our inner emotional stability a dynamic equilibrium that we continually adjust in response to emotional stimuli.

For plants, the chemical makeup of the sap provides a basic measure of health. What measurements can we take to check our own inner emotional health?

Awareness

The gift of consciousness allows us to be aware of ourselves, of others and of the world. However, our initial awareness is always of ourselves.

Our simplest feeling of self-awareness is a sense of being, “I am,” All other feelings, thoughts and actions are based on this premise. This seemingly simple statement incorporates two fundamental notions:

• I: By using the word “I”, we imply that we are unique, “No-one else is me, and I am different to everyone else.”
• Am: I have a sense of life and of emotional existence. This sense of being gives me a feeling of continuity and wellness.

Each of these basic types of self-awareness is vital to our emotional well-being.

Self-definition

Every sentient thought implicitly includes the word “I”. “I see a car,” “I am hurt,” “I am happy,” “I am glad to see you” or “I know them.”

Using the word “I” implies that we are unique, distinct individuals, who possess our own feelings and thoughts.

Our sense of uniqueness is strengthened when we do things that are uniquely us. When we experience wonder and love, when we think originally and when we formulate our own thoughts and opinions, we create building blocks of unique self-identity. Our sense of uniqueness is also strengthened when other people recognise us for who we are.

On the other hand, our feeling of individuality can also be weakened, for example when we feel that we have been discounted as a person and, instead, have been treated as a thing (i.e. we have been objectified).

It is worthwhile noting that it is difficult to form strong relationships without a healthy sense of individuality. This is because our ability to relate to other people on their own terms, depends on our own sense of uniqueness. “I, as a unique individual, understand your individual uniqueness.”

Being

Just as we do not go anywhere without a purpose, we also do not go anywhere without a sense of being. We feel that we are in a street, we are in a crowd, we are in an office or we are at home.

Our sense of being is strengthened in a number of ways. It is strengthened when we receive love and recognition. It is strengthened when we feel good about our own accomplishments. And it is strengthened when we tune in to the being of other things, whether those other things are people, animals or plants.

When we feel good about ourselves, our sense of being becomes stronger and more positive, “Being me is fantastic.” This self-affirmation makes us full of life and gives us the strength to carry on.

On the other hand, when we feel down, our sense of being becomes doubtful, “I’m not sure that being me is a good idea.” This lack of positive self-affirmation can make us depressed and directionless.

Thought experiment

Throughout life, we work to build our sense of uniqueness, our sense of self-worth and our sense of “being”. Like all other endeavours, this has its ups and downs.

• Ups happen when we feel appreciated, when we feel loved or when we sense the brilliance of just “being me”.
• Downs happen when we feel that we have failed, when we feel that we have been rejected or when we feel that our individuality has been denied.

The more we build up a bedrock sense of individuality and self-worth, the more we are able to motivate ourselves to progress, to do and to build. Investing time in developing a bedrock sense of individual self-worth can also see us through when the going gets tough.

A useful thought exercise to measure our sense of uniqueness and self-worth is as follows:

Now, think about the following:

“I”

• Can you define yourself as a person, with all the props of your daily routine removed?
• To what extent are you defined by the environment in which you live, and to what extent do you define yourself?
• Is the “city you” the same as the real “you”?
• Is what’s important to the “city you” the same as what’s important to the real “you”?
• Are you doing what the “real you” wants, with your life?

“Am”

• Do you need a reason to be happy (e.g. you have just bought something, received a promotion, gone on a holiday etc.), or can you just be happy with who you are?
• With all the hustle and bustle of the city gone forever, are you happy with who you are?
• Is your feeling of self-worth because of who you are, or because of what you do?
• To what extent are you significant because of your job?
• Do you decide what makes you valuable as a person, or are you living someone else’s expectations of you?

Now, let the city come back into existence, and take the real “you” back into the city.